Mission Accomplished

As you may have heard, A.R.F. has successfully obtained the release of the Oregon-Five. While most of the details have not been cleared for release (that is, until the movie deal is closed), I would like to make the following comments.

First, I’d like to extend great thanks to Ayatollah Mugsy, who’s spiritual guidance allows our troops to reach their true potential.

As for the mission details, the rescue operation was one of Mock and Paw. Mock and Paw, technically known as rapid ego dominance, is a military doctrine based on the use of overwhelming calm-aggressive force, dominant ego awareness, annoyingly dominant canine behavior, and spectacular displays of snobbery to paralyze an adversary's perception of the battlefield and destroy its will to fight.

The A.R.F. commando unit assembled for this task performed their duties with perfection. On behalf of the A.R.F., I sincerely thank you for your loyalty, bravery and hard work.

Cleveland’s calm-aggressiveness was truly a force to be reckoned with. Even Cesar Millan would have been quivering in submission. Wintson’s application of superior ego leaves no doubt that the enemy is still piddling in humiliation. And, Braxton – who unleashed what must have been the most vicious and uninhibited barrage of annoyance that I have ever witnessed – both proved the shocking effectiveness of Ayatollah Mugsy's Youth Indoctrination Camp Training and solidified his position as one of A.R.F.’s most brilliant and ruthless tacticians.

It is my honor to congratulate Winston, Cleveland and Braxton for a job well done.

Since we safely and successfully returned home, I’m happy to announce that the alert level has been lowered from chartreuse back to pewter and that this evening’s obedience training has been cancelled to make time for some celebration. A special A.R.F. meal has been prepared. Cadets may have their choice of Jerky (Teriyaki or Regular), with cottage cheese, and a side of bacon. Following the meal will be a brief ceremony and autograph signing for the media and general public – followed by a charity fundraiser for Mugsy’s Indoctrination Camp enrollment scholarships.

Those interested in competing in the Tug-o-War or 7-Legged Race should sign up below.